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Ask Dr. Internet
The answer to number 10 is my favorite. I can't count the times
I wanted to tell people that when I worked in tech support.. :)
Mua-Ha-Ha,
Robbie
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> >From [email protected] Mon Jul 17 12:18 EDT 1995
> Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 12:16:20 +0059 (EDT)
> From: joe turner <[email protected]>
> Subject: Dr. Internet (fwd)
> To: [email protected], [email protected]
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> I have been alerted to the presence of a "Dr. Internet" column which
> claims to be authoritative, but in fact contains several errors. This
> alternate version obviates this difficulty by making no such claim,
> but does try to project the aura of quiet wisdom found in the original
> "Ask Dr. Science." It was apparently written by our overnight janitor
> one evening when I forgot to logoff. (Yeah, that's the ticket.)
>
> ==================================
>
> 1. How big is the Internet? When did it start? How did it grow?
>
> The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It
> is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human
> hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot
> locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the
> third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors.
>
> Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make
> attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial,
> you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4
> backbone.
>
> The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient
> Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to
> discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonets, as they were
> then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won
> one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.
>
> The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described
> elliptically.
>
>
> 2. Who owns the Internet?
>
> There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead,
> parts of it are owned by the Illuminati and parts are owned by Free
> Masons.
>
> 3. What do the Internet addresses mean?
>
> Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address
> baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written
> [email protected] to refer to a computer either owned
> by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving
> however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is
> located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker.
>
> In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers.
> This is part of the whole right brain/left brain thing.
>
> 4. Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.
>
> Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending
> legislation.
>
> 5. What is "Netiquette?"
>
> "Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining
> two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquette"
> combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it
> starts transmitting information too fast.
>
> 6. What is "Flaming?"
>
> Along with an improvisational approach to floating point
> arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat.
> While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their
> first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips
> caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was
> composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively
> vitriolic verbiage.
>
> 7. What is "Bandwidth?"
>
> As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to
> transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is
> audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much
> larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard
> unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band"
> width, and so on.
>
> 8. Why can't I FTP to some places?
>
> There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site
> you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of
> control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is
> called "fascism."
>
> The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such
> network fads as gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called
> "keeping up with the times."
>
> 9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?
>
> The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms
> that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they
> replace.
>
> Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet
> space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program
> to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved
> in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has
> since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had
> been digging up the carrots in Werner Von Braun's garden, and was
> named Veronica after his daughter.
>
> 10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?
>
> It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are
> unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively
> trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a
> WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.
>
> Tune in next time for Ask Dr. Internet--
>
> "I have a master's degree....in Internet!"
>
>
> =====================================
>
> Dr. Internet, Master of All Knowledge
> Benedictine On the Rocks With a Twist
> No official connection to Dr. Science
>
>
>
> --
> Erin E. Rosenthal * basic do-nothing * layout editor for nar * co-op student *
> undergrad cs major @ gatech * [email protected] * http://www.wwwi.com/~erin/ *
> [email protected] * 35675 Ga Tech Station, Atlanta, GA 30332 *
>
--
Robbie Honerkamp
[email protected]
http://www.shorty.com/~robbie/