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Another episode in the Star Trek - anti microsoft war!

Just got this elsewhere, not seen it anywhere else, so here you go...


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>From [email protected] Thu Oct 31 20:37:06 1996
Resent-Sender: [email protected]


 "Star Trek Lost Episodes"
 
 <Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
 finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
 access their command pathways?"
 
 <Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
 through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
 
 <Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>
 
 <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
 
 <Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this
 program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
 pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
 system resources at an unstoppable rate."
 
 <Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
 their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
 
 <Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a
 new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
 increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able
 to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of  their processing ability
 will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
 operational functions."
 
 <Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
 geometric shape' idea."
 
 . . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . .
 
 <Data>  "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
 command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
 resources.  We however have not received any confirmation  of the
 expected 'upgrade'."
 
 <Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
 CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
 
 <Picard>  "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their
 is something we have missed."
 
 <Data>  "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
 'upgrade'.  Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
 plan by not sending in their registration cards.
 
 <Riker>  "Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin
 emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
 
 <Geordi, excited>  "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity
 has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
 
 <Picard>  "Data, what does your scanners show?"
 
 <Data>  "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
 named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
 
 <Picard>  "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce
 their functionality."
 
 . . . .  Two Hours Pass  . . . .
 
 <Riker>  "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
 
 <Geordi>  "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
 compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
 successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
 monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
 called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
 
 <Picard> "How much time will that buy us ?"
 
 <Data>  "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
 interest time span of 6 more hours."
 
 <Geordi>  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
 
 <Picard>  "Identify."
 
 <Data>  "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
 logo"
 
 <Over the speakers>  "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
 FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
 SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
 TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
 
 <Data>  "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
 released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
 
 <Picard>  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
 
 <Riker>  "Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward
 the Borg ship with no life support suits !  How can they survive the
 tortures of deep space ?!"
 
 <Data>  "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
 closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
 recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
 and wearing Armani suits"
 
 <Riker and Picard together horrified>  "Lawyers !!"
 
 <Geordi>  "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
 hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
 
 <Data>  "True, but appearently some must have survived."
 
 <Riker>  "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
 all types of papers."
 
 <Data>  "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it
 often proves fatal."
 
 <Riker>  "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
 
 <Picard>  "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even
 the Borg deserve that."

Dan

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------------------------------THIS WEEK ONLY!----------------------------------

Attachment of the day......... Sorry couldn't find the blond jokes - here
anothe anti - microsoft joke!

MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"

REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities"
of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob.  In the small
hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur,
burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of
destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the
accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing
to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have
been a tragedy of much greater proportions.  He is currently undergoing
psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid
Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things.
Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch
and go right now.  I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what
he's done."

Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide
screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments
before dawn.  Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just
terrible.  Java was always such a great guy.  Sure, he was a little high
strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this.  I think we
need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is
under so that another such incident doesn't occur."

A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to
quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract.  Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring
statutes on Microsoft's part.  Microsoft Legal could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing
away like that.  He's a dinosaur, not a dragon.  It would confuse the
market."

Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.





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