Fwd: Millennium Bug (Y2K)

[Ted Timmons <tedhumor@abcompsvc.com>]

One word: heh.

>MILLENNIUM BUG
>
>"...the millennium bug still counts as a serious computing problem,
>probably the worst to strike the industry to date - but it is hardly to be
>ranked alongside the Great Depression or Godzilla."  --this week's
>Economist, in an article putting y2k into perspective.
>
>John Breakwell <johnbrea@microsoft.com>
>Quote of the Day <qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca>
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>THE TOP 15 UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES OF THE "MILLENNIUM BUG"
>
>15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
>
>14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
>
>13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the
>Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a
>beautiful glass mouse.
>
>12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
>
>11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years,
>364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
>
>10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
>
>9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too
>late.
>
>8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden
>formula becomes legal again.
>
>7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost
>1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly,
>doesn't seem like much fun.
>
>6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the
>"Gatesian" calendar.
>
>5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL
>programmers.
>
>4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
>
>3. First Top 5 List of the year?  "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate
>President McKinley"
>
>2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes
>home some octogenarians.
>
>1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing
>of fast-food restaurants.
>
>[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
>[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
>[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>GETTING THE BUGS OUT
>By Dave Barry, Miami Herald, July 25, 1997
>
>We need to immediately stop whatever we are doing, especially if it is fun,
>and start worrying about the Millennium Bug.
>
>Here's the situation:  Because of a programming glitch, many large,
>powerful computers have trouble understanding dates.  I can sympathize,
>because I had exactly the same problem with American History in the eighth
>grade.  The solution in my case was for the teacher, Mr. Fletcher, to
>occasionally give me a helpful whack on the head with his right hand, on

>which he wore an Iona College class ring the size of a Buick Roadmaster.
>This was a highly effective memory-enhancement technique, which is why I
>still remember that 1924 was the year of the Teapot Dome Scandal (which
>just this week was linked to Hillary Clinton).
>
>Unfortunately, Mr. Fletcher has retired, which means he is not available to
>whack some comprehension into our computers.  But something needs to be
>done.  Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed, when the
>year 2000 arrives, our financial records will be inaccurate, our telephone
>system will be unreliable, our government will be paralyzed and airline
>flights will be canceled without warning.  In other words, things will be
>pretty much the same as they are now.
>
>Nevertheless the computer industry is very alarmed.  Experts are estimating
>that the cost of fixing the Millennium Bug could run as high as $600
>billion, an amount that -- to give you an idea of the scale -- is nearly
>twice what Bill Gates spends per month on lawn care.
>
>Why is the cost so high?  Because experts are estimating it.  You want a
>high price, you call an expert; you want a reasonable price, you call a guy
>named Skip.  Recently, after our roof leaked, we had a guy named Skip come
>to our house and repair the water damage, which was fairly extensive
>because I, as the Man of the House, had spent 24 solid hours denying that
>the roof was leaking.  Skip -- who has worked as a painter, carpenter,
>roofer and lobsterperson -- repaired it in one day for a very reasonable
>price.  I bet that if the computer industry asked Skip to fix the
>Millennium Bug, he'd take a look at the problem, go get some parts out of
>his truck and have the whole thing straightened out in a matter of hours,
>after which he could, if desired, catch the computer industry a lobster.
>
>But since experts are working on the Millennium Bug, it will remain a huge
>problem for years to come.  That's why you need to understand, via the
>Q-and-A format, how it will affect you.
>
>Q. What, exactly, is the Millennium Bug?
>
>A. In a nutshell, computers don't know what century it is.  For example,
>they can't tell the difference between 1904 and 2004.
>
>Q. What IS the difference between 1904 and 2004?
>
>A. In 1904, Dick Clark was still exclusively a radio talent.
>
>Q. Wait a minute.  You're telling me that these giant powerful computers
>that control our lives -- the computers that are SO PICKY about the
>information we give them; the computers that get into a big electronic snit
>if we get one digit wrong in the 27-digit account numbers they're always
>assigning us; the computers that refuse to put our telephone calls through
>if we're the teensiest bit inaccurate when we dial the number; the
>computers that would never, ever dream of giving us one extra dollar when
>we make a withdrawal from the automatic-teller machine -- you're telling me
>that these computers don't know what CENTURY it is?
>
>A. These are also the computers that designed the Hubble Space Telescope.
>
>Q. What is the federal government doing about the Millennium Bug?
>

>A. It has formed an Emergency Task Force, headed by Al Gore, which expects,
>within two years, to have a preliminary design for a logo.
>
>Q. I work in the Accounts Payable Department of a large multinational
>corporation, where I use my corporate computer primarily to access the
>Internet for the purpose of downloading pictures of naked people.  How will
>the Millennium Bug affect me?
>
>A. Unless some corrective action is taken, you could very well be seeing
>pictures of naked people from 1904.
>
>Q. You had better not make another Dick Clark joke here.
>
>A. I'll say.
>
>Q. Speaking of naked people, what's the deal with all this sex in the
>military?
>
>A. Now we know why tanks don't have windows.
>
>Q. Will the Millennium Bug affect my federal tax return?
>
>A. The Internal Revenue Service, after conducting a thorough review of its
>entire computer system, has concluded that last year was actually 2096.
>This means that, in the words of a new IRS directive:  "You people are all
>WAY behind."
>
>Q. I have found that if I keep my toenail clippings in plastic bags sorted
>by date, I can easily retrieve them as needed later on.
>
>A. This is the Millennium Q-and-A column; you apparently have it confused
>with "Hints From Heloise."
>
>Q. Well, could you leave this hint on her desk?
>
>A. She has no desk.  She keeps all her worldly goods, including a cheese
>sandwich dating from 1979, in a shopping bag.
>
>Q. Is there a good way to end these Q-and-A columns?
>
>A. Not that I am aware of.
>
>Copyright ? 1997 The Miami Herald
>http://www.herald.com/tropic/barry/archive/july27.htm
>--
>Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

--
-=TED=-    O-    JAPH    tedt@colubs.com     http://www.colubs.com
       It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.