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IJMC - The Shiftkey FAQ
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>Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 06:59:47 -0800 (PST)
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>From: [email protected] (Ambassador Dave)
>Subject: IJMC - The Shiftkey FAQ
>Organization: International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC)
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> IJMC - The Shiftkey FAQ
>
>All you ever needed to know about the shift key and much, much more. And
>"people" say _I_ have too much time on my hands! -dave
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>-------------The Shiftkey FAQ - Version 0.001-----------
> by Alan Meiss
>
>Unleash the Power of Shift!
>
>Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real*
>shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs
>to point them out?
>
>A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as
>in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to
>touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
>
>Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
>
>A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use
>this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may
>cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you
>were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining
>the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or
>you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
>
>q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital
>letters and punctuation
>
>A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor.
>Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock
>key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you.
>You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the
>use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh"
>and ! with "zowie".
>
>Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>
>
>A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
>frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable
>operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends
>firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in
>warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent
>and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either
>dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer
>for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you
>are finished.
>
>Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
>labelled "hif"?
>
>A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing
>your hands more frequently for that matter.
>
>Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
>
>A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled
>with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use
>shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old
>PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
>
>Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters.
>Is there any other way to do this?
>
>A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate
>the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether
>your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying
>the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the
>keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may
>have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to
>recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
>
>Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
>
>A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the
>two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in
>equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you
>should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time
>you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up
>with a broken shift key.
>
>Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
>
>A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon
>appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys
>look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this,
>go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an
>upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough,
>the keys all look the same size!
>
>Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will
>my computer explode?
>
>A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or
>vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't
>worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along,
>next question.
>
>Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's
>wrong?
>
>A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard,
>the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation
>of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path
>of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
>Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual
>advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues
>in your relationship with the Almighty.
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>Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
>Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
>submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at [email protected]
>
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>This is Mac. \\\\|////
>He wants to travel the world. ( O O )
>Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo---
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>
--
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Those who learn from history are doomed to have it repeated to them anyway.
-Larry Wall