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Unix support hotline
Hi, all...I'm new to this list -- been lurking for a few days to get
the feel of things and now I'm ready to jump in. The following is a
long message, but well worth the read. Actually, it's two messages;
the guy who wrote them worked for a Unix support hotline and kept a
list of funnies for two years running, both of which I snagged off
rec.humor.funny when they were posted. BTW, I have a whole section of
computer jokes -- everything from (l)users to Unix and C, Windoze,
the 'net, and yes -- geeks. Stop by if you like, at
http://www.castle.net/~tina/fun.html. [End shameless plug and on
to the humor...]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you?
From: [email protected]
Keywords: unix, chuckle, true
The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which,
for safety's sake, must remain anonymous).
I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix
systems. Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists,
who determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question
and then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to
each call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a
particular call is within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the
receptionists are not generally familiar with Unix.
Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.
* "Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
* "Trying to get a back door booth"
* "Problem with supper block"
* "Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
* "Problem with the getty desk"
Spelling errors can happen.
* "Question on COBOL air conditions"
* "Problem with defunk processor"
* "Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
* "System running in two time zones"
* "Error log file that self purges"
* "The program keeps changing"
* "Terminal is screaming"
There is some hardware we just don't support.
* "Getting rat errors"
* "Part number for prompt chip"
* "Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
* "Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"
Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.
* "Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"
Users may get a little fed up.
* "The light is flashing"
* "Getting error message that says enough already"
* "Can something be done. If so, how?"
Maybe our software is just too boring.
* "Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"
This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.
* "Colonel destroyed"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
* "Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
* "Printer not talking properly"
... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
* "Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
* "How much swab space?"
... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
* "Command responds too rapidly"
... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
* "Would like to kill a certain group of users"
... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
* "Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
... Sounds like a personal problem!
Finally, this one is just too theoretical.
* "How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"
_________________________________________________________________
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks
Subject: 1991 Unix support headlines
From: [email protected]
Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 4:30:4 EST
(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it
on an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each
call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular
call is in their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists
are not generally familiar with Unix.
Spelling errors can happen.
* "The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
* "Air message on consol"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
* "Cannot get into the library"
* "Runaway process boards"
* "Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
* "Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
* "Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
* "Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
* "Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
* "Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
* "X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
* "Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
* "Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don't support.
* "Install wife terminal"
* "Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
* "Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
* "Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
* "Trouble with electrical smell on system"
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
* "When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
Similarly:
* "Warning regent table overthrow"
Here's a stumper.
* "EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
Users may get a little fed up.
* "Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
* "Too much paper during printing"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
* "Getting a parody error"
* "If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
* "Having ahard disfailure"
* "Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
* "Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
* "Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
* "Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
* "Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
* "Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
* "Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
* "Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
* "UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?
--Tina
--
[email protected] http://daniel.drew.edu/~tmancuso [email protected]
"If you think your life is complete confusion 'cause you never win the
game, just remember that it's a grand illusion, 'cause deep inside we're
all the same." --Styx
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